Stop Falling for His Potential. Start Choosing Your Reality.
- Davina Dandridge
- Aug 20
- 4 min read
Every woman has done it. You sit at brunch explaining a man who barely exists in your life. You describe what he could be, defend his inconsistencies, and paint a picture of the life you are sure is just around the corner.
The problem is that you are not actually in love with him. You are in love with a maybe.
High-functioning women are particularly vulnerable to this trap because we are used to managing outcomes. At work, we anticipate problems and solve them before anyone else notices. In friendships, we step in and carry the emotional load for our friends. In love, we think that same over-functioning skill set will eventually turn into partnership.
It does not.
The Fantasy That Keeps You Hooked
At Love Level 3, you are not in love with reality. You are in love with the fantasy.
You stay because of the imagined trips, the glow-up couple goals, the Instagram-worthy future you see in your mind. You stay because you already rehearsed the relationship, and walking away now feels like canceling an entire production.
That is why I tell women all the time: you are not weak for staying. You are simply already emotionally committed to a story line. The commitment is not to him. It is to the idea of him.
Why Smart Women Project
Here’s the psychology behind it: projection is a defense mechanism.
If you are ambitious, empathetic, and self-aware, you unconsciously assign those same qualities to him. You believe he is “just not there yet,” but with patience and love, he will grow into the version you want him to be.
The truth is…You are not loving who he is. You are loving who you imagine he will become.
That imagined man never signed up for the role. And now you are angry he is not performing the way you directed in your head.
This is why so many women end up exhausted. You start managing his emotions, editing down your own, and rehearsing for a relationship that never makes it to opening night.
Lessons From a Season
Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”
Not every man is meant to be your forever. Some were only ever meant to be your “for now.” Their purpose was to reveal who you no longer need to be, and what you no longer want. That doesn’t make the time wasted, it makes it a season of refinement.
I once worked with a woman who told me, “I know he’s not there yet, but I can see his heart.”My response was simple: “Do you see his heart more than you see your own needs?”
That silence that followed said it all.
And I know that silence because I once lived there. I believed in someone so much I ignored reality. I convinced myself the struggle was temporary, that the love waiting on the other side would justify the pain.
But let me tell you the truth I wish someone had told me: potential does not build a relationship. Only participation does.
Case Study: Maya’s Story
Maya was a 42-year-old executive who had built everything in her life with excellence, her career, her home, her reputation. The only place she struggled was in love.
She had been with her partner for three years, waiting for him to “step up.” He talked often about starting a business, buying a house, and proposing, but none of those things ever moved from words to action.
Maya told herself, “He just needs more time. He’s got so much potential. I don’t want to give up before the breakthrough.”
But here’s what was really happening: she was shrinking. She stopped inviting him to events because his lack of ambition embarrassed her. She avoided hard conversations because she didn’t want to “pressure” him. And she found herself journaling about the life she wanted, but never actually living it.
When she finally asked herself my Self-Gut Check question, “If nothing changed, would I still want this?”, the answer was no.
Maya walked away. And within a year, she met someone who didn’t just talk about building a life, he was already building it. She told me later, “I realized I was loyal to his dream but disloyal to my own.”
What the Research Shows
You’re not alone if this sounds familiar. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 43% of women reported staying in unfulfilling relationships primarily because they believed their partner would “change” or “grow” into the person they needed.
Translation: almost half of us have invested in potential over reality.
A Self-Gut Check Moment
This is where my Self-Gut Check Method comes in. It’s a real-time emotional intelligence tool I created to help women act strategically instead of impulsively in love and in life.
Ask yourself these five questions:
What am I really feeling right now?
What do I want long-term, not just today?
If nothing changed, would I still choose this?
How is this relationship affecting my confidence, emotions, and joy?
Am I being loyal to his dream and disloyal to my own?
These questions strip away the fantasy and reveal the truth. And once you see the truth, you can’t unsee it.
The Takeaway
Falling for potential doesn’t make you foolish, it makes you human. But staying loyal to potential at the expense of your reality will cost you years you can never get back.
Your future self is waiting for you to choose sophisticated empowerment over his maybe.
Continue the Conversation
Take the Emotional Sophistication Map to see where you really stand in love and life.
Read my book, Brains and Baubles: Do What Works for You for more tools to help you stop over-functioning in relationships and start designing the life you actually want.
And watch the full video on this topic here: When You're in Love with a Maybe, Not a Man -
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